Good morning, timewaster

I woke at 6 am this morning, though really I don’t have to wake until 7:30.

Actually I’ve been waking at 6am for a while now. Forcing myself – because doesn’t everyone say that successful people wake early?

Well, seeing as I’ve spent the past hour and a half aimlessly surfing the internet, I’d say I’m not exactly on the path to success. Whatever that is.

No seriously! I opened my laptop lid, ready to blog, and saw my RSS reader already opened from the night before. So, I read some of that. Which led me to a ‘blog awards’ site. Which led me to a blog about handmade soaps (??) which I followed to a website where you can bulk-buy glass bottles and jars (I couldn’t resist looking at all of them – they were so pretty, so full of potential things to put inside (yes I am crazy!)), I then found myself at a mummy blogger, then at Orangette, and then to whatever else could interest me.

I have a problem!

I’ve been listening to Brian Tracy. He can be very inspiring, with all his tirades about discipline and hard work and ‘what success takes’, but his advice is not the perfect solution for me, and I need to work through this myself.

See, I think my problem – the reason I procrastinate, and don’t fulfil the goals I set for myself, and never get anything done – is because I don’t care about my goals enough. I’m not really driven by anything.

Sad but true. It scares the hell out of me.

I just need to devote some time to introspection, I think. I need to find out what I WANT before I can go and get it.

In the meantime I will continue to wake at 6am! I think the self-discipline is good for me.

I don’t know who I am.

I feel so incredibly confused right now.

It relates to the title. Is it self-explanatory, or do I need to go into this more?

Well, for my own sake, I need to go into it.

I’m sitting out here in the chill, almost-9-pm Swiss mountain air, in the half-attic of an old wooden chalet. There is an ancient green, dusty bicycle next to me, and a couple of ladders, but other than that, the little storage-annex that this is is pretty empty. The wood that the walls are made of a thick, solid, and greying. Worn from many many years of use. The family I live with have re-designed the house, built a modern house inside yet kept the exterior looking as it did fifty years ago. Perhaps not what I would choose to do, but still, it does have a certain rustic charm to it.

The occasional bird chirps. The occasional sheep bleats. A single cricket preets continuously.

Why don’t I know who I am? I know the basics, of course, as much as anyone can know. The passport-detail stuff. I know my name, my age, my height, my weight, my hair colour. Eevelyn Blake, 18 years old, 178 cm, 70 kgs, dirty blonde (that actually is a colour, I assure you! If you prefer, someone I met recently called it ‘muddy blonde’. Eh, no great difference)  ..but I can’t figure out anything beyond that. I’m at the time in my life when I should start deciding on … where I want my life to go, you know? Careers and such. After I’ve spent this little time in Europe I’m going to be starting study in university, but WHAT, what to study?

I’m torn.

I’m curious about many things. Interested, or something. I like drawing, photography, the arts. I adore singing. I want to play the violin. computer programming was fun when I tried it. I’m becoming a better cook, and am very curious about it. I loved learning how to knit a few months ago. I read voraciously; I find pleasure in writing.

I’m just not any good at any of these things – and I don’t seem to have the  passion for any of these things to put in the practice required to get good.

To be honest I feel really really scared right now. I’m the kind of person who is passionate about a thing for a week or two, then completely flips around and leaves that interest in the dust and pursues the next cool thing. I have no discipline for staying with something. I change my mind quickly. I don’t have any persistence, any staying power…. So I’m scared. What if I NEVER find what I am passionate about?

It’s not that I don’t want to put in the hard work. The 10,000 hours and all that. It’s just … I don’t know what to put that hard work into?

A pretty bad sign, I suppose.

I hope that regular posting – very honest, frank posting! – on this blog can help me to move forward. Wish me luck, wish me wisdom and insight and new discoveries!

~Eeve