I feel so incredibly confused right now.
It relates to the title. Is it self-explanatory, or do I need to go into this more?
Well, for my own sake, I need to go into it.
I’m sitting out here in the chill, almost-9-pm Swiss mountain air, in the half-attic of an old wooden chalet. There is an ancient green, dusty bicycle next to me, and a couple of ladders, but other than that, the little storage-annex that this is is pretty empty. The wood that the walls are made of a thick, solid, and greying. Worn from many many years of use. The family I live with have re-designed the house, built a modern house inside yet kept the exterior looking as it did fifty years ago. Perhaps not what I would choose to do, but still, it does have a certain rustic charm to it.
The occasional bird chirps. The occasional sheep bleats. A single cricket preets continuously.
Why don’t I know who I am? I know the basics, of course, as much as anyone can know. The passport-detail stuff. I know my name, my age, my height, my weight, my hair colour. Eevelyn Blake, 18 years old, 178 cm, 70 kgs, dirty blonde (that actually is a colour, I assure you! If you prefer, someone I met recently called it ‘muddy blonde’. Eh, no great difference) ..but I can’t figure out anything beyond that. I’m at the time in my life when I should start deciding on … where I want my life to go, you know? Careers and such. After I’ve spent this little time in Europe I’m going to be starting study in university, but WHAT, what to study?
I’m torn.
I’m curious about many things. Interested, or something. I like drawing, photography, the arts. I adore singing. I want to play the violin. computer programming was fun when I tried it. I’m becoming a better cook, and am very curious about it. I loved learning how to knit a few months ago. I read voraciously; I find pleasure in writing.
I’m just not any good at any of these things – and I don’t seem to have the passion for any of these things to put in the practice required to get good.
To be honest I feel really really scared right now. I’m the kind of person who is passionate about a thing for a week or two, then completely flips around and leaves that interest in the dust and pursues the next cool thing. I have no discipline for staying with something. I change my mind quickly. I don’t have any persistence, any staying power…. So I’m scared. What if I NEVER find what I am passionate about?
It’s not that I don’t want to put in the hard work. The 10,000 hours and all that. It’s just … I don’t know what to put that hard work into?
A pretty bad sign, I suppose.
I hope that regular posting – very honest, frank posting! – on this blog can help me to move forward. Wish me luck, wish me wisdom and insight and new discoveries!
~Eeve
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June 14, 2010 at 3:18 am
jesseowalls
I think most people go through this stage at some point in life (or at least I’d like to think that most people do, it helps me to feel normal), when they don’t know who they are. I spent years trying to figure out who I was, waking each morning to basically create a new persona and play a new role, hoping that it would be me, only to grow bored of it and move on. I felt lost and confused, wishing I had guidance, but knowing that only I could decide who I truly was. I dabbled in different interests, feeling my whole life was an act (and even went to college to major in Theatre becuase it was something I felt I was good at, though I changed my major within the first semester…go figure), but eventually came to a point where I realized I was not magically going to get an instruction manual for life. I feared taking the wrong course of action; that I might end up making the wrong choice and being in a position in the future I found unfavorable. I think I was trying too hard to find the perfect future for myself, that I would be perfectly happy with, and rather than finding my perfect life I instead found a lot of wasted time on my hands. I let fears and doubts hold me back, my indecisive nature maintain control, and instead of moving forward I stood still. Looking back now, I think if I had not been so afraid of making the wrong choices, I may have been happier, but the future can sometimes seem daunting. In your case, schooling and career, which is a major part of life and one’s future. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life when I was your age. I wanted to go to college for something practical that I would enjoy making a career, but I also wanted something creative to feed my artistic side. I wanted something that would give me financial stability, but I also wanted to do something with my life that i enjoyed without considering its praticality. It seemed there were so many open doors, so many options, and yet I gave myself several restrictions. We are our own worst enemies in this way. Anyways, I shall try to cut this short for I feel I am rambling. My advice: Throw all logic to the wind and then consider what you want to do with your life…what would truly make you happy, then consider logic and weigh out the pros and cons. Somewhere deep inside of you you already know what your passion is, you just have to be willing to let it take flight, without any chains holding it down…or at least that’s what I believe. Well, I hope this helps you just a little; if not, at least you managed to kill some time by having to read over all of my rambling. I wish you luck regardless.